I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
