I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
