May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
