Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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