i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
