He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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