sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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