Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
