I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
