the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
