No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
