You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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