This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
