Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
