She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
