when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
