i wish starbucks made bloody marys
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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