He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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