He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
