rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
