hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
