I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
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