Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
