to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
