why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
