Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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