I want to have your abortion
I will die if light touches me.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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