my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
