This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
