So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
