Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
