Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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