Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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