I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize