i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
