it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
