Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
