Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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