Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He passed out mid-signature
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
