since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
