sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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