thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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