my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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