I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
