When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
