Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I faked an abortion last night.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
