I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize