yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
