Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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