I cockslap morals
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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