im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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