I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
