Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
