So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
