Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
