dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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