dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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