In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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